Dear Grandchildren:

Congratulations to Kyle and Jaclyn for bringing their new baby, Vivian Therena, to the world on January 31^st. Big brother, Maverick, thinks she’s pretty special.

This month I would like to continue talking to you, parents, about raising those precious children of yours.

Jimmy Evans writes in his marriage book, Marriage on the Rock, the four basic needs that all human beings are motivated to satisfy all of their lives:

1. Acceptance: Knowing you are loved and needed by others.

2. Identity: Knowing you are individually significant and special.

3. Security: Knowing you are well protected and provided for.

4. Purpose: Knowing you have a reason for living. In the case of Christians, this means knowing that God has a special plan for your life.

I agree with Jimmy! And these principles ring true for your children. Our children are given to us by God as precious gifts to bring pleasure into our lives, but this will happen only if we are proper stewards over them. They require and deserve a lot of time, love, and attention from both parents (or if the single parent if that’s the case). When we give it to them, we invest wisely. They bless our lives and grow to be responsible adults of whom we can be proud.

How to meet a child’s four basic needs:

• Acceptance: Because of our deep need to be accepted, we need to feel safe and secure wherever we are. Acceptance enhances the sense of self-worth and belonging. When we experience rejection rather than acceptance, we feel insecure and detached, and a sense of aloneness and vulnerability is increased. We do this by physical affection, verbal affirmation, availability, and expressing to them that they belong.

Fifty years ago, we met a two-year-old boy while our son Tim was in the hospital. Bobby was a neglected child who had given up on his will to live. We became his foster parents and as a foster family, we helped him feel accepted. When we first got him, he couldn’t even roll over by himself. After six months with us, he gained strength where he could roll over and began developing as a healthy two year old.

• Identity: All of us have a deep need to feel unique and significant. Parents begin to communicate this sense of identity to their children by letting them know how special they are. A child should not be compared to brothers or sisters or made to overly conform to be like them. Rather, a child should be allowed to express themselves in an atmosphere of love and order.

I love it when one of our twelve great-grandchildren were born and the family makes every effort to make that new baby a special bundle of joy, being loved and accepted all the way into adulthood.

• Security: A child’s sense of security is derived chiefly from the stability of his or her parents. Therefore, when a child senses strife in the home, he or she immediately will feel insecure. Parents need to respect the natural sensitivity and emotional vulnerability of their children. I’ve often said children love to see their parents loving each other.

Children need rules and boundaries and they need to be lovingly disciplined and held accountable when they disobey and rebel. Children feel loved and secure when they are raised with a balance of accountability and acceptance.

• Purpose: Even when a child is young, he needs to be taught that God has a special purpose for his life. As we tell him that he is special and unique to us and to God, we need also to let him know God created him for that special purpose that will be revealed someday.

As parents we meet our children’s basic need for purpose by giving them responsibilities around the house and with the family. Children need to learn to pick up their toys and keep their room clean. As they get older, parents should continue to give them increased duties and responsibilities, but this should be done in a balanced way.

Children should have time to be children such as giving them time for fun with their friends; yet, they should be responsible and contribute such as doing their part of the chores around the house. This is a critical part of making them feel fulfilled and important.

Parents, whether you realized it or not, these four needs have been motivating you throughout your life. All of us are driven in some significant way to find an avenue in life to satisfy our needs.

These four basic needs will be very important in shaping your children for the future. I will leave you with an important question and I believe the right answer. In your everyday life, whom or what do you seek first and foremost to fulfill your needs for acceptance, identity, security, and purpose?  

You may have already realized that the correct answer is something like, “I seek God first to meet my basic needs.”

Congratulations Kyle and Jaclyn!

Until next month,

Love,
Grandpa