October 26, 2021

Dear Grandchildren:

This month, I have a real treat for you. I’m sharing Grandma’s thoughts for a successful marriage from our book, Just Because Two People Fell in Love, written back in 2015.

Enjoy and know how much we love you.

Grandma:
Denny and I were so young when we got married. For me, I was not only young, but also a doormat housewife. I let him make most of the decisions because I didn’t think I had any input to offer; my role was to raise the kids. But that all changed when I found Christ.

I discovered strength and courage in the Lord that I didn’t have before. I started expressing my opinions and providing feedback on important decisions. We worked together, so it wasn’t all on Denny’s shoulders. Now, we don’t make decisions until we are in agreement, instead of just Denny having to make the final decision. That wasn’t easy at first, especially for him, since he was used to making the final decision, but over time, we learned to make this work.

So what have I learned after over fifty years of marriage?

Here are my keys:

• It’s important to give yourself time as a couple. In other words, you’re not going to figure it all out in a year or two. It takes time to learn one another, grow with one another, and work together. It took me years before I realized that Denny thinks out loud when making a decision. I process pros and cons internally, analyzing the decisions in my mind before I share what I think we should do. So, when Denny said for us to do this or that, I thought he was sharing his final decision.

I realized our differences in processing when Jessica was going into her senior year of high school. It was early summer when Denny decided he wanted to get more schooling and get a pastor’s license. He checked out Rhema, a Bible school in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, about fifteen minutes from Tulsa where Sarah and Paul were attending ORU.

“You know, I’d like to go out there,” he said to me. So I listened to him and processed it internally until I got it all figured out in my mind. After pondering and praying over this decision, I was like, All right, Jessica can go to school out there. It will work out. I was prepared to pack and move to Broken Arrow for two years. I was thinking, If this is what he wants to do, we’ll go. Jessica was upset about moving because she didn’t want to move there her senior year.

A week later, Denny came to me, and said, “Nah, we are not going to do that.”

I was upset because I had gone through the ups and downs of this decision, then settled on moving. At that time, I hadn’t realized that Denny thinks out loud and doesn’t necessarily speak what is his final decision, like I do. So now, if Denny shares a decision, I put it on the shelf until he is ready for us to make the final decision.

• If you’re still having difficulties in your marriage after a while, consider going to Christian counseling together or at least attending marriage seminars because every couple has room to grow. Every couple still has roots and keys to learn.

• Also, it is important to appreciate your differences. Don’t try to make your spouse be just like you. God made you different, and this difference helps you to sharpen each other. How boring would it be if you and your spouse were exactly alike? And how can you grow if you have the same strengths and weaknesses?

• I also recommend knowing your spouse’s love language along with your own. In Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, he shares how we each express and receive love through five different ways. It is important to not expect your spouse to express love in the same way you do. For instance, my love language is gifts. I enjoy giving gifts such as the afghans I crochet. If I expected Denny to give gifts on a regular basis to show his love for me, I’d be disappointed because gift giving isn’t Denny’s love language. His is words of affirmation and acts of service. He expresses his love through encouragement along with serving.

• Another vital key in marriage is to spend one-on-one time on a consistent basis. Have a date night every week or at least every other week. Denny and I went out for coffee every week, and if we couldn’t go by ourselves, we loaded the kids in the back seat, got coffee, and drove around looking for deer. This gave us time to talk and share. When we traveled to our kids’ away games, we didn’t let other people ride with us (of course, our younger kids rode in the back seat). Many people wanted to ride with us to the games, but we wouldn’t have had that time with each other, so we always declined.

• It is important for parents to put their spouse first, not their kids. It is important to remember as parents, you’re not your children’s buddies but their parents. That perspective puts kids in the right order in the family line.

There were many nuggets of truth and wisdom from your grandma! Thank you Grandma. We all love you.

Until next month,
Grandpa

Featured Image by S. Hermann & F. Richter from Pixabay