March 26, 2016

Dear Grandchildren:

I’m pleased to announce that we have a guest writer this month. Uncle Larry is sharing some of his wisdom regarding teaching, coaching and mentoring. Uncle Larry and Aunt Ellen live in El Cajon, California, where they are both successful veterinarians. Thank you Larry for taking the time to share your heart with us.

Teaching, Coaching, Mentoring

One thing I have recognized in life is that the older we get, and the more responsibilities that we have, the more people will turn to us for advice, or share their feelings with us. People will look to us for guidance and direction. This is not age dependent. Teenagers are notorious for sharing with their contemporaries, and teenagers are full of  “advice”. Instead of “giving” advice, let’s try asking questions.

For me, when I ask someone “how are you doing today” and their response is less than expected, I might inquire further. If it is a person I know, I generally respond with, “that doesn’t sound too good”. Sometimes the conversation ends there, but often times they expand their thoughts and feelings. This is where “Coaching” is so powerful. The dialog created by asking questions is so much more powerful, more meaningful, and less judgmental than “giving” advice.  Let’s discuss Teaching vs. Coaching vs. Mentoring on an emotional level.

Teaching 

Teaching is objective, factual, an attempt to enlighten someone on a subject familiar to you, but unfamiliar to them. Teaching is about sharing with someone what we know in an attempt to educate. Ego can be involved because we are sharing information that we know greater than those we are “teaching”.  With teaching, we are “telling” our audience what we feel they “need” to know.

Coaching

With Coaching, we need to set our ego aside. Our goal is to move this person forward, to help this person “grow”.  It involves encouragement and emotional support. We coach for the betterment of the person; it is not about ourselves, it is not about our ego.

With Coaching, we don’t “tell” the person what they need to know (Teaching), but instead we inquire, we ask questions.  Coaching is a much deeper and intimate form of Teaching.  Through the asking of questions, the person being Coached will solve their own problems with their own answers. Simple example, someone asks you if they should leave his or her job. The answer is not to tell them why they should or shouldn’t leave their job, but in Coaching we inquire. “What would you do if you quit?  How would you afford to pay your bills? Do you think you would be happier with a new job? Do you feel like you may be trading one headache for a different headache?” This is not a “rapid fire” question approach, but a comfortable inquiring dialog that demonstrates sincere concern and care. Through this process, the person will draw his or her own conclusion.

We have put our ego aside, we have not voiced our opinion, we have not judged, we have not criticized, but what we have done is demonstrated a deeper level of caring and communication while allowing this person to “see” deeper into his or her decision process. The example above is somewhat objective.

But, on a much deeper level is the ability to inquire (ask questions) when people are suffering with emotional pain, rejection, abandonment, or fear. The questions become more difficult and more sensitive. Given the proper questions, we all “know the answers”, but it is the Coaches’ job to ask the right questions.

Mentoring

At the highest level is Mentoring. Mentoring requires Coaching, but once again doing so without ego. It requires the deepest form of compassion, the deepest form of caring. As a mentor to someone, we don’t have a risk of personal loss or rejection, because we have nothing to lose. We have nothing to prove, we have nothing to fear because we are driven by our heart and sincere well being for the person we are mentoring. Our intent is pure and completely focused on helping and bettering the person we are mentoring. Mentoring is not about self-gain or bettering ourself, it is not about us. At its deepest level, Mentoring requires that we be vulnerable, and this vulnerability creates safeness and trust for the person we are mentoring.

Conclusion:

Teaching is relatively easy. It just requires knowing more than the person or audience we are teaching. There is no deep emotional connection. You can teach to a stranger. A person can choose to listen or not. Our ego wants them to listen, but we may or may not be emotionally connected to the end result.

Coaching may have an emotional connection, but we may or may not be emotionally invested in the person. We want them to do better, we want them to grow, but we may or may not be connected to the outcome. So, when someone seeks you out wanting advice, try to avoid giving them an answer. I would encourage you to “ask questions”. Remember, we all “know” the answers; we just need someone to ask us the right questions.

Mentoring can be more difficult because we are emotionally invested in the person and emotionally invested in the outcome. We want a positive outcome for this person. Our intent is to truly help this person. Mentoring requires us to have a deeper level of safeness, vulnerability, and self-acceptance. Mentoring is the most unselfish of the three. For Mentoring to be successful, it is necessary for the recipient to feel an “emotional safeness” and trust with us; otherwise, the required depth and intimacy that mentoring requires cannot be achieved.

When people “ask” us for advice, our impulse is to voice our opinion and give advice. But, if we pause, then ask them questions, the conversation will have more “depth” and sincerity, but most importantly, through this process the person will find their own solution.

When I was in my high school years and in college, I would visit my dad (C. Glen Catt) at his office, and my dad would listen to me without interruption. We may “talk” for an hour or more, and I would leave with clarity and resolve about a problem I was having. He gave me little to no advice. But what he did, was listen. He allowed me to “process” the problem and through this process, the answers became evident. Once again, we all “know” the answers.

Few people really listen to “us”. People are too busy thinking about what they want to say next, or wanting to give us their opinion or advice. It wasn’t until my adult years that I realized how much “advice” my dad gave me by saying nothing, but by listening. It brings me tears as I write this – I miss him. He was my Coach and Mentor, and not because it was a conscious act, but because that is who he was.

With love,
Uncle Larry

Todays Thought: “Nobody cares how much you know; until they know how much you care”